I sent my sister this email - just edited to remove names and protect the innocent!
As I was praying for God to renew your spirit and help you to see and know how much I love you, a light bulb went off about myself.
I realize that I am scatter brained, lazy, no will power, no drive, erratic, moody and long suffering. I get it - I also know that I am not perfect, think differently than other people, difficult to get along with, a relationship tester, etc..., but Ive come to accept it, not that I like it, but I'm not going to beat myself up any longer about NOT living up to someone elses standards of me.
I have taken a long look in the mirror and although its not that pretty, it is what it is. This does not mean that I will not strive for better, it really means that I will NO longer be encapsulated in what others think I should be. I enjoy school and that's cool for now, but the degree or lack thereof will never determine my character as a person, my integrity, or my love and passion for helping others. I want you to accept that for me, what I deem as success is extremely different from yours or anyone elses. Its personal and always has been. When I die, I don't care if people say that I had so many degrees or money. I want God to be pleased that I helped someone in their walk to Him.
Out of all of the dysfunction that is me, I truly know that you love me. I hate that we have gotten to the point where we cant be open and honest with each other about our feelings...well I cant. I need to be able to say I love you and hear it back, I need to have "attaboys" every now and then to feel appreciated, I need to have security in relationships that others might believe unnecessary. OK IM NEEDY. Some people are and some are not...that's what makes us all unique.
So after thinking about you all weekend, mainly missing you as my sister, I began to wonder if you really feel about me the way that I do you. If I were dying would you do pack up everything to come help me...wow it hurts not knowing the answer to that or even worse thinking, believing that you would not do it for me. I have to say that I would do it for you in a heartbeat.
When you were going through the stalking stuff, I can remember you being at Taco Bell one day and he was following you (we were on the phone)...I can remember being so afraid of losing you. When you were shot, I had to get to you - even though I felt that you put your friends in front of me (all the time - that's another story)...I still needed to check on you and was there the same day. I'm going back so far to say that I know that I'm emotional and I get stressed out too easily.
When you all were going through the evacuations last week, I was so stressed that I started having phantom pains in the left side of my body...I say phantom because they are gone now, but I was in sooo much pain from shoulder on down. I was worried about you and the business and mom, son, niece and not having b-i-l there at first, not knowing what the outcome was going to be..I was truly on an emotional roller coaster. I live in a constant state of "what if" and I know I could use some couch time seriously.
Anyhow, when you called me last week, I was on the phone with my Dr and on the cell phone with my other Dr and could not click over. Then I get to my computer and you are asking me for hours...it was the last straw...cause I'm thinking, Ive been on standby for you and now you cant cut me some slack? this is some bullshit...
I'm saying all of this so you can know how much I love you and although you may not see it or hear it in my comments, I wear my concern/love and dedication to you as a badge of honor. I don't care how much of a bratty little sister you are, you are all mine and there is no amount of work, heartache, fear, money that could ever replace that.
You sent me this refrigerator magnet that I still have. It says life made us friends, chance made us sisters....something to that affect or vice versa and I want to believe it. I consider you my best friend and my love is unconditional for you. "Like" is very conditional though.:).
I don't have the wherewithal to sustain another emotional roller coaster week, so please be patient, understanding, kind and loving with me. I cannot stress to you how much I want you to be successful in your eyes, I just want you to understand and accept the differences and imperfections in others. I will be there for you always!
I love you lil sissy - i don't care what!
*still makes me cry*
No comments:
Post a Comment