This is a continuation of my pap-smear a...
I had a total hysterectomy back in 03 or 04, due to many complications. I was so excited-no more periods YEA...but NOBODY told me about the hot flashes, mood swings, estrogen pills/patches that have to be regulated with your body and lastly and probably the most importantly - the SANDPAPER lip action.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to diagnose, treat and obviously play HOST to the party in my pants. I used to call it the yeasty beasties...but something was different this time...this last event that I sponsored was a full out blast with a caterer, event planner, DJ and entertainers, cause it was off the chain...it started off very slow, just a little "moon-walk" here, some "robot" there, a little "bank head bounce" in the back...and I guess as more friends came through, they did some "electric slides" and everything.
By this time, I'm in a full out ITCH mode, not normal-play it off type itch, I'm talking about needing a bottle cleaning brush and going to work. Surely the Fire Marshall was going to shut this shit down, we've exceeded maximum occupancy. I try to flood 'em out with a bath..they calling me all kinds of hoes and bitches for messing they shit up.
After I get out the tub and am drying off, here comes that dryness feeling again....I already know whats up so I'm getting ready to shut it down before it turns into something...I call the lady doc from yesterday and explained to her about the "crotch carnival" and she informs me that there was no yeast, no crabs, or any other STDs that would cause this. I told her that she was a damn lie, something ain't right.
She stated that when a complete hysterectomy is performed, and as our body changes, we don't have the juices that were naturally produced. WTF??? so I ask if this shit is supposed to feel like sandpaper rubbing across my labia, as if trying to file it down. She called me in something to give me some relief. I go to get it and the shit is $60, after my insurance, I said this shit better work. I get home and its just 1 damn application. This is some bullshit, because if this is something that is going to happen on the regular, I will possibly need more than "1" application, and if I do need more, who wants to pay $60/application, so I need to think of an alternative to this shit.
My cousin who has 6 kids, has cervical dysplasia (where your Cervix is literally falling out of your body) and it is the most disgusting thing in the world (yes she showed me - inquiring minds and such). We actually call it her "cows tongue" because that's what it looks like hanging out. When she wear tight jeans, she actually has a dick print! Pretty good size too...hahaahha
But right now i wish I had a cows tongue to give my lips a cushion to lay on for a while. They need a spa day from all the trauma they've endured. All this dryness could've started a fire.
Who knew all this shit and was withholding the info...lets talk about the real stuff...
How did your adults (parents/grands) tell you about sex and your bodies? I need ideas for my grandkids and for my 16 yr old.
Just call me Sandy (for the sandpaper cooch)...Its a joke
9 comments:
Well the first time my grandmother found a hint of discharge in my drawers is when I got beat with the broom..I was only like 12 so it was very innocent. I felt like Kunta Kinte from all the wheps from that stick I endured. SO for the most part, we didn't talk much about it. My sister use to hide her drawers and bag them up to wash over a friends house. On the real, they should have been talking or my cousin would not have ended up pregnant at 13 years old after having sex for the first time.
My mom was against discussing the "S" word with me and my sibling coming up so any/everything I did learn, I learned it in school or from friends.
Needless to say IT WASN'T MUCH since I had my first child by the time I was 15 and my second by the time I was 17.
I have three children now myself...[two girls and a boy] who are 18, 17, & 7 years old [big @ss gap before the last one...I know LOL] but I keeps it real with all of em'. Friends say I tell em' too much [translation...they think I'm keepin' it TOO damn real] but I wouldn't change a thang about it.
Shew...in this day and age that's how it's gotta be. [At least, I think so]
This post was HILARIOUS by the way!!!
Poc & Ms B, thanks for reading and understanding the madness in my head.
My momma NEVER talked to us about sex and then wondered why I was pregnant at 15 DUH? I thought she was just prissy (maybe she was too busy get'n her screw on to worry bout me).
Fortunately I had all boys, and it was alot easier to talk to them. I still buy them condoms so that they can "double up" and always have them around. But now that I'm getting ready to have a granddaughter, I can be the grandma to say "when you suck the dick, make sure you..." I need to be more sensitive...
Help!
**not I CAN be, I meant I cant or dont want to be the grandma...maybe Einstein was on to something when he said that our subconcious thoughts come forward...haha
Poc, just realized that you said that your grandma was doing a panty inspection...she was mighty brave...I dont like smelling, sniffing or looking at my own draws after I take em off, so I certainly would not want to inspect some other persons...that cracks me up...there really are no limits to our parents/grandparents love and noseyness.
Sounds like we've a couple'a thangs in common. I too am getting ready to be a grandma....
My eighteen y/o daughter is having a baby boy in two more months.
I can't even begin to imagine how much change I would have to make if she were going to have a girl.
[I'm a lil' rough around the edges so ummm that would have been hard].
Ms B, I already have a grandson and he is my most favorite person in the world...get ready to start being pimped...they do that without even knowing it:)
Awww, you both are tooo jazzy grammas..Congrats to both of you!
Poc, I will try to refrain on the "art".heheheheh
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